Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
