Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
