can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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