the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
