oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
