The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
