I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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