my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
