he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
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The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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