i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
