Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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