when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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