once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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