i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
