I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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