Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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