pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Say something about gay babies.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
