The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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