Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There's always time for handjobs
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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