Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
This is my gift to your gina
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
