When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
