they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
