Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
