I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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