Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
