oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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