just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
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You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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