Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
