I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
