Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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