$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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