I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
