I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
