My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
