u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
