i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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