I wish they made helmets for livers.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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