I will die if light touches me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
