I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
