just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
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Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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