her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
