She is in my trunk
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
vagina is talking i cant
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
