I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
