Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
