True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
