Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
