I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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