Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
