shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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