I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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