Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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