I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
