When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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