No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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