My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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