I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
God I need to hump something, right now.
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